Too soon old, too late smart

Today is mother’s day.  We all have mother’s right?  I did.  She died 2 years ago and now its mother’s day so now I no longer have a mother….that makes me really sad!  No one to send flowers to, no one to phone up, no one for whom to make breakfast in bed on mother’s day.  Of course that also means that there is no one to ask me when I am going to grow up, why don’t I cut my hair and no one to call me at 7 AM before I am awake.  Or why am I crabby when I wake up cuz after all for Pete’s sake she nor my dad were like that!!   I lost count as to how many times I heard that one!!  Funny that as infuriating as that was, here I sit lamenting that I don’t hear it anymore.

When I was 14 and could no longer stand to be around my mother and her madness I ran away from home.  I went far and stayed away long AND I always called home to my mother to let her know that I was okay.  I have absolutely no recollection of why I did that, I can only summize that I thought it would be cruel to not let her know that I was okay.  That I hadn’t been raped, murdered or her worst fear, died from an over dose.

Having a mother is such a strange, wonderful and frustrating thing.  I would have NEVER chosen that woman as a friend if I had met her in some context or another and yet I loved her in a way I couldn’t and won’t love anyone else in this lifetime.  I have not known anyone else like her either. 

Then there is that inevitable day when we wake up and look in the mirror and realize that we are out mothers.  Like when I hear myself saying things such as, “too soon old, too late smart” or “youth is wasted on the young” and I realize its true, I am some version of my mother.  I like to think only the best parts though of course.  I do like who I am though…so Thank you Mom and here is to all of our mother’s….I miss you.  Or as you would have said….OH NUTS!!!